Wednesday, 19 June 2013

Day 14.

This post has everything and nothing to do with being a mother.
I was flicking through my iPhoto, trying to work out what I wanted to post today. When I got to the end of the photostream, it flicked over to 12 months ago, the photos I had taken on this day last year, in the Gili Islands in Indonesia. I come up against a bit of a blank when I try to describe what it felt like to see them. It honestly feels like a different lifetime. I remember what it felt like to come home to New Zealand after being overseas. Trying to slot back in to a place that had stood still, when over the last four months I felt I had grown into a different person. At the time, I played with thoughts of being unable to continue growing in such a substantial way if I continued to stand still in little old Auckland. I now realise, after 3 weeks of doing nothing but standing still with this baby, I have grown just as much, if not more than my 4 months of travelling.

I guess I also just feel proud of who I have become. Not all the time, obviously. Not when I say something sassy to Chris because I'm tired and cranky, when I start to lose patience when Willow wont close her eyes and sleep, or when I eat ice cream at 5am.
But when I stood up, alone, and walked away from everything I knew, and travelled on one way tickets into countries I knew nothing about. I did it without being afraid. The same way I wasn't afraid when one month after my 19th birthday, I found out I was one month pregnant. I'm proud that I followed through with my mistake. I knew what people would say about me, and I did it anyway.
When I was travelling, someone told me I had a PhD in fearlessness. I will never forget it. It's something my mama taught me, and I will teach Willow. Because you always gain the best rewards.

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